Helpful Villager Explains…

Hey people! Today I’m writing about a tough decision we wrestle with every day — how to pick which village to attack. Okay, when choosing opponents, look for a weak point. This is true for people too. Like, with Julia, for example, you can talk about her skin. Here’s an example: “Oh, Julia, did you take like a hundred arrows to the face?” Boom, you just three- starred Julia! Anyway, next, focus on finding your opponent’s juiciest target. Like, also with Julia, make her hold up her hands, then say to her, in a high-pitched voice, “Farm fingers!”

Or just drop the mind games and attack her. Not stab her with a sword, of course, but consider cutting off all her hair in the middle of the night. Here’s how to do that: gently pull her hair away from her head, slide a small board under it, then quietly chop the hair on the board like you’re slicing an onion. Which is what Julia’s hair smells like. Okay, everybody. Good luck choosing an opponent for your next battle! Me, I’m off to Julia’s. Maybe I’ll bring my cutting board.

Hey, people! Okay, we really need to talk about these air sweepers. Look, you know me. I’m easy. Not like Rosalind easy, but easy in the sense that I never complain. But I do have a problem with this air sweeper thing. It has repercussions for our whole village. Ladies, you know what I’m saying — when those sweepers turn on, my dress is constantly up over my head. Unlike Rosalind, I don’t like it that way. Also my hair — I’ve flown with hog riders and came back with less hurricane head. Also, our campfires are being blown out, pollen is everywhere, the openings to gold mines make a crazy whistling noise, and the other day a healer was blown right out of her bubble.

She fell on the ground and hurt herself. A healer who hurt herself! Think about that for a second. Kind of blows the mind, huh? Down with air sweepers!!

Hey people! Today I want to write about Archers. Some of my best friends are Archers: Giselle… Rosalind…. You’ve got to admit, archers look pretty cool, with their pink hair and their shooting over walls — so amazing. Not as amazing as jumping over walls, which we villagers do, but fairly cool nonetheless.   And don’t the Archers’ arrows look cute bouncing off those mean old Town Halls? Making that sound, like, “Tink, tink, tink, tink.” Sort of like a gentle rain on a metal roof, lulling us all to sleep.

In her next battle, I thought it’d be funny to replace Rosalind’s arrows with breadsticks. Just think about how funny it’ll be she reaches into her quiver and loads breadsticks onto her bow. It’ll sound like, “Tink, tink, tink, crunch…” It’s gonna be sooo hilarious. “Tink, tink, tink, crunch, crunch, crunch.” The enemy might not be dead, but they’ll be full!

Hi, people. Today we’re going to learn how to clap for trees. People often ask me why we villagers clap for trees, but no one ever asks how to do it properly. So l’m going to teach you right now! When you see a tree, hurry to it, but don’t be the first one there: that makes you look sad and desperate. Once there, plant your feet, get those elbows out, and bring your hands together to make a clapping sound. Six times, always six claps. Once Julia did seven. That’s why you don’t see Julia around anymore.

You might be tempted to clap for a handsome Barbarian. You might also be tempted to leave flowers outside his door, or accidentally bump into him when he’s walking around with another villager. Like Julia. But no matter what, don’t clap for Barbarians. Barbarians aren’t trees.

Hey, people. Today I want to write about how to get along with goblins. Sometimes it’s not that easy, because goblins only care about stealing things. They will steal from anyone, anytime, even friends, and that is clearly wrong. Can I tell you something? I actually hide my stuff when they come over.

I feel bad, but I’m doing it for them. I mean we’re friends and when they steal from me, they must feel awful, so I try to make sure that can’t happen. Seeing them feel bad makes me feel bad. Anyway, I hide my stuff just so there won’t be a weird situation.

Then when they’re over and I’m serving tea and cake, I just apologize and say, “Oh, sorry that we have to use sticks instead of forks and knives. And pieces of bark instead of plates. And you’ll have to cup your hands if you want to drink tea. It’s just that all my silver and dinnerware is in storage. Locked away. And guarded by a Level 5 P.E.K.K.A.”

Hey people! Today we’re going to talk about buying things from the shop. I know what you’re thinking: Uggh, there’s a girl who likes shopping. Well, guess what? I do like shopping. Isn’t it great when things are exactly what you expect them to be?

Okay, shopping! Make sure you go in with a list, because you’re gonna get distracted by the shiny country flags near the register. You don’t need them! They’re impulse purchases! If you ask me, the only thing on your list should be “cannons,” because you know what? Cannons RULE. Barbarian Lassa is always saying, “Don’t we have enough cannons already?” And I’m like… “You’ll never understand me.” And then he’s always like, “Stop telling that story, babe!” Silly Lassa. Anyway, people, have fun shopping!

Hey, people! Today I want to address a question I get asked a lot: how did I become the person who explains how everything works in the village? Okay, don’t tell anyone, but I kind of made the job up.

See, one day, while I was applying make-up, I listened in as I was talking to myself and heard: “Swoop the eyeliner across your eye, hold your eyelid tight with your non-dominant hand, then, with the dominant hand, take your eyeliner and slowly slide it across your taut eyelid.”

That’s when I realized that I love explaining things! It just comes so naturally to me — like lying does to an archer. Anyway, I walked into Town Hall, found an empty office, and started my career in explanation.

See? Making up your own job is all about confidence. You want to be a builder? Go “borrow” a hammer and start pounding on a bush. Guess what? Now you’re a builder. And a much better builder than the one who said inappropriate things to me while I was bending over to move some flowers. That day I taught him all about respect, and how you’ll want to make sure that no one puts rags in the chimney of your builder’s hut. ‘Cause you’ll die. Anyway, I hope that answers your question about how I got the job — I’m sure it does. I’m very good at my job.