It happened again. I was going through my before-bed routine, brushing my teeth and washing my face in the mirror, when I noticed a black smudge on my cheek. I scrubbed and scrubbed, but it wouldn’t come off. What the heck was it? I didn’t go on any attacks today. I didn’t eat anything that color (I only ate carrots, just like every other day!) Then it hit me — I wasn’t looking in a mirror, I was standing face to face with another giant who was also washing his face, and had a smudge on his face. That’s the third time that’s happened this week.
A day in the life of a Giant. Read his diary posts.
It’s a tough tightrope we giants walk. Sure, we need to be big and burly to withstand cannon fire, mortar blasts and arrows, but giants want to look good, too. Luckily I’ve learned a few tricks. A large brown belt with a big buckle around your midsection can help keep your waistline looking trim. And everyone knows that bushy eyebrows and muttonchops are the most slimming facial hair. The trick for the arms is to keep your forearms and fists looking huge, so that your shoulders look less bulky and shapeless. If your clan is bringing in the gold and elixir, you can accessorize with some leather wrapped around your knuckle and arms. It’s all about trying to look thin – not Wall Breaker thin, but maybe like, Archer thin.
Ah, time to relax. A one-day shield just went up and it’s party time at the castle. What will I do with my day off? A bunch of barbarians made some elixir moonshine, but last time they drank it, a bunch of them went blind, and then they died pretty fast in the next battle, as you can imagine. So I think I’ll pass. I could go wander out in the woods I suppose, might be something fun to do out there. It’s pretty hot though, so I think I’ll pass on that, too. The archers play cards to pass the time, but the cards are so tiny I inhaled once and sucked them all up into my nose. So they don’t let me play anymore…
Ooh! I know what I’ll do! I’ll hang around the campfire, walk a few steps, pause and face the right, then walk a few more steps! Ah, I love my days off.
I swear, if I have to eat another carrot, I’m going to scream. Seriously, isn’t there anything else they can cook in this camp other than a giant carrot cooked over an open fire? It’s kind of disheartening when I go on an attack, smash down a wall, get shot a bunch of times by a cannon, then head back to our castle with a ton of gold and elixir, only to be greeted by… the smell of a lame carrot. I don’t even think carrots really have a smell. All I’m smelling is my own disappointment.
Okay, sure, it’s hard to cultivate anything other than giant carrots on this land. There’s never not sun, and above-ground crops get scorched. I get it. But can’t they mix it up a little? Some seasoning? A marinade? Maybe a carrot cake every once in a while? It can’t be that hard. It’s not like I’m asking for a pork loin or something. Mmm… hog loin…
Okay, toupee — big mistake. Turns out there are things way worse than being bald. Like having a wind sweeper blow your toupee off in the middle of an attack. All day I’d been feeling great, walking a little taller than the other giants, running my fingers through my new hair (carefully, but pretending like I was doing it really recklessly) and then — WHOOSH! — wind sweeper. Toupee flops to the ground like a dead dragon. Everyone started laughing — our whole clan, their army. The entire battle just stopped for hilarity for like ten seconds. Heck, even the wall breakers were wheezing with laughter, and they don’t have lungs!
Man, I was so embarrassed. Luckily for me, as soon as my toupee fell off, no one could tell who I was on account of all us giants looking exactly the same. So I quickly went back to smashing things to blend in with everyone else. And guess what? We ended up winning the battle and getting a couple thousand gold coins and a butt-load of elixir.
I guess having hair was too good to be true. I got a little too cocky. I flew a little too close to the sun. Speaking of which, my bald head got a little sunburned today.