It happened again. I was going through my before-bed routine, brushing my teeth and washing my face in the mirror, when I noticed a black smudge on my cheek. I scrubbed and scrubbed, but it wouldn’t come off. What the heck was it? I didn’t go on any attacks today. I didn’t eat anything that color (I only ate carrots, just like every other day!) Then it hit me — I wasn’t looking in a mirror, I was standing face to face with another giant who was also washing his face, and had a smudge on his face. That’s the third time that’s happened this week.
It’s a tough tightrope we giants walk. Sure, we need to be big and burly to withstand cannon fire, mortar blasts and arrows, but giants want to look good, too. Luckily I’ve learned a few tricks. A large brown belt with a big buckle around your midsection can help keep your waistline looking trim. And everyone knows that bushy eyebrows and muttonchops are the most slimming facial hair. The trick for the arms is to keep your forearms and fists looking huge, so that your shoulders look less bulky and shapeless. If your clan is bringing in the gold and elixir, you can accessorize with some leather wrapped around your knuckle and arms. It’s all about trying to look thin – not Wall Breaker thin, but maybe like, Archer thin.
Ah, time to relax. A one-day shield just went up and it’s party time at the castle. What will I do with my day off? A bunch of barbarians made some elixir moonshine, but last time they drank it, a bunch of them went blind, and then they died pretty fast in the next battle, as you can imagine. So I think I’ll pass. I could go wander out in the woods I suppose, might be something fun to do out there. It’s pretty hot though, so I think I’ll pass on that, too. The archers play cards to pass the time, but the cards are so tiny I inhaled once and sucked them all up into my nose. So they don’t let me play anymore…
Ooh! I know what I’ll do! I’ll hang around the campfire, walk a few steps, pause and face the right, then walk a few more steps! Ah, I love my days off.
I swear, if I have to eat another carrot, I’m going to scream. Seriously, isn’t there anything else they can cook in this camp other than a giant carrot cooked over an open fire? It’s kind of disheartening when I go on an attack, smash down a wall, get shot a bunch of times by a cannon, then head back to our castle with a ton of gold and elixir, only to be greeted by… the smell of a lame carrot. I don’t even think carrots really have a smell. All I’m smelling is my own disappointment.
Okay, sure, it’s hard to cultivate anything other than giant carrots on this land. There’s never not sun, and above-ground crops get scorched. I get it. But can’t they mix it up a little? Some seasoning? A marinade? Maybe a carrot cake every once in a while? It can’t be that hard. It’s not like I’m asking for a pork loin or something. Mmm… hog loin…
Okay, toupee — big mistake. Turns out there are things way worse than being bald. Like having a wind sweeper blow your toupee off in the middle of an attack. All day I’d been feeling great, walking a little taller than the other giants, running my fingers through my new hair (carefully, but pretending like I was doing it really recklessly) and then — WHOOSH! — wind sweeper. Toupee flops to the ground like a dead dragon. Everyone started laughing — our whole clan, their army. The entire battle just stopped for hilarity for like ten seconds. Heck, even the wall breakers were wheezing with laughter, and they don’t have lungs!
Man, I was so embarrassed. Luckily for me, as soon as my toupee fell off, no one could tell who I was on account of all us giants looking exactly the same. So I quickly went back to smashing things to blend in with everyone else. And guess what? We ended up winning the battle and getting a couple thousand gold coins and a butt-load of elixir.
I guess having hair was too good to be true. I got a little too cocky. I flew a little too close to the sun. Speaking of which, my bald head got a little sunburned today.
I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna take the plunge. I’m gonna take back control of my life — I’m going to start wearing a toupee.
Other people get to be happy, so why not me? All my life I’ve blamed my problems on stepping on mines or lack of elixir, but the real root of my problems has been a lack of confidence. Man, if I had a full head of hair, everything would be different.
The upside to being a giant is that most people can’t see the top of your head. But what about the other giants? We can all see each other’s bald heads. So embarrassing. Or when I walk past the archer’s tower, I can tell those ladies are staring at my shiny hairless melon. It’s humiliating!
I know what you’re thinking — “But toupees look terrible! Everyone can tell it’s not your real hair!” Sure, maybe ten years ago. But the villagers have made incredible advances in wig technology lately. I’m going for my fitting today. Starting tomorrow, I’m going to be a whole new me!
Saw a tree stump today. How does that happen?
I mean, I’ve seen trees and I’ve seen builders take trees down, but I’ve never seen them leave a stump. Never. And I watch a lot. What else do I have to do except move back and forth in the Army Camp?
So where did this stump come from? Did a tree try and grow and then just stopped? It’s possible, because trees only grow when no one is looking. I’ve lived in this village a long time and never seen a tree grow. And I would, I have a lot of time. What else do I have to do except move back and forth in the Army Camp?
If a tree can stop growing at a stump, what else could? Like maybe a giant like me could stop growing just above the legs – how bad would that be? You couldn’t smash anything, because you wouldn’t even have any hands. You would have legs though and you know what you can do with those? Walk back and forth in the Army Camp.
I don’t want to make this about me. It’s just that I’m a big, tall, Giant and I feel bad this tree couldn’t enjoy the same full growth that I had – it stopped at stump. Realistically, let’s not focus on what happened, let’s think about going forward. That’s what every self-help book I have ever read has told me. So I guess I’m heading towards what advice I can give this stump. I guess I would say, even if you are a stump, take pride in yourself. Act and hold yourself up as if you were a fully grown tree. I think people can sense that. And truth is, just like a fully grown tree, villagers are going to come clap at you and then, at some point, some builder is going to come chop you down and your life is kind of useless. I know that’s a bummer so until then, ignore the truth and stand tall, stand proud, find the tree inside of you, even if you are just a stump.
Ripped my shirt on a wood wall (what kind of village do we live in that still has wood walls? Lazy builders). Anyway, a barbarian offered me his shirt and then he and all the other barbarians laughed. Ha ha, very funny. So I pounded him once – not enough to really hurt him, but just enough to hurt him a little. (I could tell because that weird status bar appeared over his head and went down a little).
It felt good at the time, but then I felt bad afterwards. Now, thinking about it more, I’m starting to feel good again.
Hot today. Hot everyday.
Made me wonder how come there are never clouds? Also, how come it’s never dark? Would a little rain be so bad?
But no, all we ever have is sun, sun, sun. Okay, so if that’s how it is, how about some sunblock? Maybe the guys in the laboratory can cook up some of that? Speaking of improvements, with permanent sunlight, has anyone ever thought about solar power? I have, and I think it would be good. But no one listens to a giant. Nope, my job is to smash stuff. I have ideas that could help smash sunburns and power bills, but no one cares.
I don’t want to get into all the details but let’s just say never lend money to a goblin. They say they’ll pay it back (at least I think that’s what they are saying – who can really tell?) and then when you need it, they’re never around. Also, hard to track down which one you lent it to when they all look the same. I know, people say we giants all look the same and me saying that about goblins could be racist and I should be more understanding, but still, a goblin borrowed money from me and now I don’t know which one. All I remember is he had suspenders. And I think he was green.